i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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