Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
