I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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