I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
