I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
