I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
