atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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