I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
