I cannot find my penis.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
