1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
