Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
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I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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