Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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