a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we're making bets on your personal life
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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