You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
