Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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