did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
