so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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