did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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