I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Bring me that man meat
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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