his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
