I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Someone signed my nipple.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
