i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
