When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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