call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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