I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
