She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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