After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
