im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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