I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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