i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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