I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
