i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
