IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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