his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
