I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
