Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
