This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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