So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
