I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
