You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
