I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
