don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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