Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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