My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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