Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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