Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize