Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
