maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Found the puke drawer
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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