It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
