is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
