Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
