That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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