Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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