Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
