who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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