Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
