My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
