my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
