i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
